What Your Parents Mean When They’re Explaining Your Grandfather’s Death to You

He died of old age = He died of cancer

He died in his sleep = He died of cancer in his bed

He died with his boots on = He died of cancer outside

He died with a smile on his face = He was on a lot of drugs when he died of cancer

He died of cancer = He committed suicide

Ask Samuel Morse

Q: Samuel, what is the best way to get grass stains out of a pair of jeans?

A: - —- / .-. . — —- …- . / —. .-. .- … … / … - .- .. -. … —..— / … .—. —- -. —. . / .— .- … …. .- -… .-.. . / ..-. .- -… .-. .. -.-. / .— .. - …. / .— .- - . .-. .-.-.- / - …. . -. / … .—. —- -. —. . / - …. . / … - .- .. -. / .— .. - …. / .-. ..- -… -… .. -. —. / .- .-.. -.-. —- …. —- .-.. / .- -. -.. / .-.. . - / .. - / -.. .-. -.— .-.-.-

Upcoming Changes Affecting the Students of the Master Fred Hartley Black Dragon Karate Dojo

Dear Students,

The following changes have been made to the Master Fred Hartley Black Dragon Karate Dojo belt ranking system:

Old Ranking                      New Ranking

White                                   Yellow

Orange                                Red

Yellow                                 White

Green                                 Green

Purple                                 Brown

Blue                                    Camouflage

Brown                                 Blue

Red                                     Purple

Black                                   Very, very black

Although it should be apparent why these changes have been made, please feel free to come to me with any questions you may have.

Arigato,

Master Fred

Fact

Owner of a broken heart  <  Owner of a lonely heart  <  Water skiing

Progressive Rock Band Names That Sound Like Laundry Detergents

  • Rush
  • Yes
  • Genesis
  • Utopia
  • Focus

Scrawny Teen’s 0-Point Night Touches No One

Todd Hughes had always been known as the manager for the Park Heights High School boy’s varsity basketball team. That all changed during last Friday’s final home game of the season. The 18-year old senior, who is undersized, socially awkward and usually sits on the bench and hands out water bottles, was allowed to fulfill his long time dream of playing high school basketball. Down by five and with three minutes left, Hughes was put into the game. The results were less than spectacular.

“I figured he’d go out there and score the winning basket, proving that you can accomplish anything as long as you dream big,” said Coach Jim Cordes. “Boy was I wrong.”

Not only did Hughes not score a single basket, he also committed a technical foul, turned the ball over six times and was called for traveling twice.

“It was the most uninspiring thing I’ve ever seen,” said sophomore Jim Reese. “We made up a cheer for him and everything. He totally let us down.”

Head cheerleader Kerri Chandler was particularly disappointed in the game’s outcome.

“I was going to run up to him on the court, tell him I’ve secretly been in love with him since freshmen year and then kiss him in front of everyone,” said Chandler. “Who am I supposed to take to prom now?”

Looking back on it Coach Cordes says he has learned a very important lesson from his disastrous decision.

“Skill and strength always triumphs over determination. I see that now.”

A Tale About Never Giving Up

RUDY: Hey Doc, can we make this quick? I’ve got to get to practice. I’ve wanted to play for Notre Dame my entire life, and this weekend I’m finally gonna get the chance.

DR. PHILLIPS:  Take a seat Rudy. I have the results of your physical and I found some abnormalities that have me concerned.

RUDY: What did you find?

DR. PHILLIPS: That’s the problem I didn’t find anything. No heart beat, no respiratory activity, no brain function of any kind.

RUDY: What exactly are you saying?

DR. PHILLIPS: According to the results, you are no longer living.

RUDY: Are you saying I’m dead?

DR. PHILLIPS: That’s correct. And by the looks of your body’s decomposition I’d say it’s been for quite some time. Upwards of around eight months.

RUDY: Will I be able to play in the big game?

DR. PHILLIPS: Considering there’s no sign of heart, lung, or brain activity, you shouldn’t even be moving, let alone playing competitive sports.

RUDY: So there’s no cure?

DR. PHILLIPS: I’m sorry Rudy; the medical community has yet to find a cure for death.

RUDY: Listen Doc, I don’t let people tell me what I can and cannot do. I’ve learned that you can achieve anything with a little bit of courage and determination. I’m gonna beat this. And when I finally achieve my dream of running out of that tunnel and playing football for Notre Dame, I want you to be there, in the stands, cheering me on.

DR: PHILLIPS: I hope you’re right Rudy.

RUDY: You’ll see Doc. You’ll see.

Grab Ass Epidemic in College Football Cause For Concern

Forty-five percent.

That’s almost half the population of any given locker room.

That’s how many Division I football players are suspected of playing grab ass during practice every single day. According to an anonymous NCAA quarterback, that number might be even higher. It’s an epidemic facing teams all over the country.

“I’m constantly calling players out for not paying attention during practice,” said LSU head coach Les Miles. “The only explanation I have for their lack of focus is that they were playing grab ass.”

Although grab ass is often suspected, it is an accusation that can be difficult to prove. 

“The problem with grab ass is that it usually takes place between our second and third string players,” said Alabama head coach Nick Saban. “They know we’re busy focusing on our starters, so they think they can get away it.”

Unfortunately, the truth is that they usually do get away with it. Which can make curbing occurrences of grab ass quite difficult. And it isn’t a problem unique to only college football practices. Reports of suspected grab ass are starting to pop up amongst high school football programs as well.

“I mean, we’ve always known about possible incidents of horsing around during practices, but when I found out that it might actually be grab ass, I became pretty concerned,” said coach Bill Randolph, head football coach at Thomas Jefferson High School in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Although the grab ass epidemic in football has finally come to light, coach’s all over America know that ending it is going to be an uphill battle.

“At this point the most we can do is hope that by continuing to accuse players of doing something as embarrassing as grabbing a teammates ass, they’ll be too nervous to do it for real,” said Miles. “It’s not great, but at least it’s a start.”